There are two days a year that I always dread. One is my birthday, the other is New Year's Eve. Two meaningful days that I would like to skip. New Year's Eve is still far away, so we'll take care of it another time. But my birthday is today and this year should be different.
Well, let's see.
I would prefer to come unobtrusively through a birthday. Nobody knows, I drive far away. So I get rid of the importance of importance. At times, I did not release the date on social networks until I realized it was unfair. I can not remember any birthdays at Facebook or Xing.
In the last 20 years, I celebrated my birthday exactly three times. The first time only because it was a communal birthday with a colleague and she suggested so. I invited four people. Another time somebody gave me a nudge to throw a little barbecue round in my agency. It was not pleasant to me, because employees have come to my head and told me they are only there because they have to.
I now celebrate my birthday:
I thought I was not worth it. Well-meaning sayings like "let yourself celebrate properly" I could not take seriously. Why should I celebrate and by whom?
I'm reluctant to focus. The attention of several people at the same time I feel uncomfortable.
I was afraid that nobody would come (because sometimes I feel lonely).
And if someone had come, I was not sure if they really wanted to be there or just could not say no.
I did not want anyone to try for a gift. People already have enough to do.
At rational moments, that sounds absurd, but I'm not always rational. These are all clear symptoms of low self-esteem. That's never high for me and that's not it today. Although things are going up, such thoughts are still haunting my mind. Sometimes I would like to have more narcissist, but I do not have that in me. Instead of loving me wholeheartedly I start on such days even more a negative thought carousel.
The last 20 years took place last year. So i took a heartache in pain and invited three friends with their partners in a restaurant. I formulated the invitations using as many relativizations as possible ("If you can not, this is not a problem" / "A poison is not necessary."). Miraculously, all three said yes and seemed happy too.
The evening was good and I am glad to have got through. My head did not really play with it, though. I was a bit melancholy in the face of the weighty day. Still, it was a step forward, at least pretending that I had good self-esteem. In that case, I believe in fake it till you make it – behaving as if I'm already there where I want to go.
This year, I force myself to the next step. I invite a larger group to my home. Ten to 15 friends will come. The overcoming was again great. First I pushed it in front of me, then I felt impulsive and paralyzed. But internally, I knew it would be important for me personally. Only later did I think about why this is so – which are good reasons to celebrate my birthday, even if the head defends against it.
